yourgravity: ([stock] make dreams happen.)
This time last year I was a little ways into what would become another attempt in a long line of failed diets.  This time, I'd  chosen Take Shape For Life/Medifast, and initially I was really excited to be on the plan.  A friend of mine had amazing results on the plan, and I read all the testimonials on it.

It was so exciting when I chose my first month's food, and the huge box filled with all my little boxes of food arrived.  I was excited the first day as I packed my meals into my lunch bag for work.  And when I weighed for the first time a week and a half later and had lost almost 12 pounds, I was still excited.

About three months into the plan though, I was SO unhappy.  I couldn't have fruit.  I was severely limited in what vegetables I could have.  I couldn't have milk or cheese or any of the dairy I was used to - even in moderation.  When I went out to dinner with friends, I had to sift through my salad for things I COULD eat, and discard the things I couldn't.  I couldn't drink juice, or regular soda EVER.  I couldn't have a splurge day, EVER.

I had no energy to work out AT ALL.  I didn't feel full EVER, or satisfied by what I was eating.  I couldn't stop craving "bad" foods.

I was miserable.

One day about two and a half-three months on the plan, I was managing a concession stand for the local youth football league and I barely had a chance to eat ALL day.  That night I was so hungry that I gave in and ordered pizza.  And it was AMAZING.  And the next day, and the day after that?  I was so so so sick.  Sicker than I'd ever been in my life.

But it also showed me how unhappy I was.  The plan was so restrictive.  Instead of filling my body with natural things, I was eating prepackaged, tasteless meals.  I wasn't getting any GOOD carbs, natural fiber, etc.  And I wasn't getting healthier, or stronger.  I was getting skinnier (used as a broad term, I was still overweight, even having lost almost 30 pounds.)  I couldn't run or lift weights, and I was ALWAYS starving.

About a month later, I went off the plan.  The holidays happened, and I ate.  New Year's and Valentine's Day, then a vacation happened, and I ate.  I gained most of those 30 pounds back.  Then slowly I started going to the gym again, and thinking about the way I was eating - all of which led me to my recent huge change in my lifestyle and my foods.

Last year was an incredibly weird and challenging year - some good things happened, and some of the worst things I've ever endured happened.  I won't lie and say I didn't eat for comfort, but what I learned was that commercial weight loss plans aren't for me.  I won't be trying Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, etc.

I'm happy with where I'm at - eating good foods that benefit me, like fruits, vegetables, and lean meats.  Making up my own recipes as I go along.  I'm losing slowly, and that's absolutely okay, because this time?  I'm happy.  I had to go through all that to get HERE.  And "here" is a very good place. 
yourgravity: ([daisies] charlotte "chuck" charles)
I told myself I'd weigh today, and at the same time, told myself not to get upset if the numbers didn't say what I wanted them to say - that being any decrease in weight.  I approached this without a point of reference in mind really; I knew what I weighed about two months ago, and  I knew I'd gone up since then, but not how FAR up.  I didn't weigh when I got home from California to get an idea of where I stood, so although I *think* today is progress, I'm not sure.  So I'm considering this my starting point, and it will be interesting in about two weeks when I weigh again.

I'm not going to get on the scales every day.

I'm NOT going to agonize over every choice I make.

I'm not going to torment myself if I don't lose "enough," etc.

I had a piece of chocolate zucchini cake last night after eating healthy all day - in fact, I just realize quite by accident, I had NO meat at all yesterday.  I was a little hungrier than normal, BUT I ate pretty well.  I had:

  • 1 and 1/2 bananas for breakfast

  • Lunch was mixed vegetables (fresh squash, fresh mushrooms, onions, fresh bell and banana peppers) sauteed in olive oil and salt free Mrs Dash, and a baked sweet potato.  YUM.  It was a bit of a late lunch but it kept me full until early evening.

  • Snack was another banana.

  • Dinner was a huge salad, with mixed lettuce (including romaine), and baby spinach, with two hard boiled eggs.  I ate late because I got home from working on a friend's computer, so I didn't want anything too heavy.

So, I splurged on the cake, and I sort of wish I hadn't, but I'm not going to make myself feel TOO guilty.  That'll just be my splurge for awhile.  I really still am not craving soda at all, and I think if I have small "sweet" something every now and again I'll be okay.  I bought fresh strawberries to have at night if I need an extra snack/a dessert, so that should stand in for chocolate/etc.  It's just training myself to crave GOOD stuff instead of bad.

So anyway, long story short now I've rambled about what I'm eating (I'm about to make a huge smoothie this morning, YUM), I got on the scales, and I'm at 230.5.  The ONLY reference I have, like I said above, is where I was awhile back, at 232-233.  So I'm looking forward to seeing how the next week and a half-two weeks goes.  I am determined to get back to the gym this week so I can start adding some weights back into my work-out; I'm afraid to do TOO much without the weights to keep strengthening or toning.  I was doing so well on bench - so near my goal of benching 100 pounds, and I was starting on the military press, which was kicking my butt.  So I miss all of that, plus Zumba, and my time on the elliptical.  That's my goal for this week.

Happy Friday, guys! 
yourgravity: ([btvs] buffy.)
Healthy eating-ish update!  Hopefully y'all will start seeing a lot more of these.

I made a mini-grocery run the other day to stock up on a few essentials: some more fresh fruit, fresh mushrooms, and olive oil.  I can't stand cooking in anything other than olive oil anymore.  I've been trying hard to stay away from butter, although we had skillet corn the other night that I know my mother cooked in butter.  That's the hardest thing - living in a house with three other people, all who have or have had their own weight issues.  The South loves to deep fry things, or just generally indulge in good ol' comfort food, and the problem is, I love some of that stuff, too.  But it doesn't love me back.

Just since I started eating healthier, I FEEL so much better.  My stomach isn't upset like it was when I was eating junk, I'm tired at a decent hour again, and for the most part, waking up much earlier than I was before.  It's weird in a nice way to be ready for bed at 10:30 or 11 instead of 1am, and waking up at 7:30 or 8 is nice.  I'm working on training myself to get up earlier than that, and hopefully I will be soon.

I had two cups of coffee this morning but that was all I wanted.  I have had my coffee with sugar in it once or twice in the last week and a half, but mostly I'm putting honey in it.  I may start trying it black slowly so I'm not dealing with sweetener at all, since I know even honey isn't perfect.  I got rid of my Splenda, and I WANTED to try Agave, but didn't want to spend the money on it and not be sure if I'd like it.

I had sweet tea the other night at dinner and it was okay - too sweet, really.  I keep meaning to make some for the family, then I don't.  I haven't had soda in a week and truthfully, I haven't missed it AT ALL, which is amazing for me.  I don't think I'll have any problem just making it an every once in awhile treat.  So basically my ONLY caffeine recently has been my morning coffee, but it's good knowing that I'm not depending too much on caffeine.

That's it for today, I think.  I've been helping can and bag/freeze veggies all day; now we're making pickles, then I HOPE I have time to go for a swim. 
yourgravity: ([bones] angela.)
When I was in California recently, I felt so inspired by all the GOOD food choices I saw others making; when I came home, I vowed to start back eating healthy and make working out a priority again.  I was doing great before my Florida vacation, but then I was "on vacation" and when I came home, I didn't really get back to where I left off before.  But California was awesome - seeing things like Whole Foods, and so many healthy options was wonderful, and really opened my eyes.

A friend and I stopped at Cracker Barrel on the way back from Nashville, and I had one last splurge meal (their pancakes are FANTASTIC), and since then, I've done pretty well.  I'm a huge coffee / sweet tea drinker, so I've been trying to have honey in my coffee in place of sugar.  And instead of three cups, I've had only one or two.  I've been drinking mostly water, and only had one small soda when I went to the city pool the other day.  I felt so bad, but I had a hot dog - but I was starving, and you can't bring food in WITH you.  Ugh.

I've also been more active.  I've been on my treadmill twice, and swam for awhile in the pool on Tuesday.  I'm not fixating on any goals just yet or weights except being healthier.

My family wanted to go to an Italian restaurant last night so I got a grilled chicken salad.  Then I stocked up on fruits and snacks.  SO HAPPY.  I FEEL so much better already, and I'm really excited for garden vegetables.  Some are already coming in, and one of my goals is to try new things.  (Just not tomatoes.  Yuck.)

This feels REALLY good.  I was happily surprised I was able to do a bit on the treadmill; swimming felt good, too.  It's been so rainy here since I got back that I'm not sure how much I can do outside, but I'm trying to get out there as much as I can for the sunshine.  And I have my gym membership, so I'm determined to start using that more, too!

healthy1healthy2

Groceries, and then this morning's smoothie - before and after.  SO GOOD.

More healthy updates coming soon, hopefully!  I'm off to do some cleaning, mail out some resumes, and then eat a snack.  :)
yourgravity: ([the hunger games] gale/katniss; we coul)
I love you more than I knew I could ever love someone.
And God it runs so deep
I can barely even breathe.
Let me be your shelter from the storm.


This time last week, I was running around frantically, getting ready for my trip to California.  Now after a long flight in the early hours of the morning, I'm home, but the strange/wonderful thing is, I feel like "home" is now in California.

Home is holding her hand tightly.

Home is a sweet longing that led to tentative snuggles and glances, shy, cute moments, and the most perfect first kiss.

Home is our playlist on in the background and long talks about us - sharing stories and memories, and making new ones.

Home is falling so slowly, minute-by-minute, then all at once.

Home is meeting her friends and feeling comfortable with them right away.

Home is late nights spent with one another in the sweetest way.

Home is waiting for me and I can't wait to go back. 

I had an amazing trip.  I was only nervous about getting to my connecting flight on time, since my flight out of Nashville was delayed.  But it was all worth it - the crappy airplane food, security, being nervous, walking down that escalator and into Kay's arms.  I am so so happy I went, and that we got to spend so much precious time together.  I can't stop thinking about how adorable she is (even though she'll read this and make that cute expression like "what?" but it's true, you are.)

Things were really shy at first, and I think we were both trying to see where we stood.  After so long of hoping, meeting in person was really amazing.  For the first time we could TALK in person.  Look into each other's eyes.  I could see where she lived, and meet her family and her friends.  I got to explore California with her (we went to the coast, to an aquarium, and to a jelly belly factory, along with dinner with friends, shopping, and such.)  I got to see somewhere new and wide open, and full of possibility.

By the third day together, we were so much more comfortable, and affectionate, and I love that.  We aren't that couple you see making out in public, but just little glances, snuggling, or hand-holding, or I'd put a hand on her back.  It all just.... SIGH.  It all fell so sweetly and perfectly into place.  The sparks I'd hoped for were there in full force, but it's so much more than that.  (I am very very glad they ARE there though!  It wasn't forced - just something we felt, and it happened very organically and beautifully.)

It's laying in bed talking about the future, and sharing parts of ourselves from our past and present. It's feeling so comfortable around her.  It's being "good nervous."  It's seeing the smiles on our friend's faces when they see how happy we are.  It's being told I look "radiant" by friends who can see what love looks like on me.  It's hope for a future that I know we both want.  It's knowing this is more right than it ever was with anyone else.

This is our beginning, and it was perfect.

I love you, [livejournal.com profile] twirly
yourgravity: ([the hunger games] gale/katniss; we coul)
I'm going back to the gym tomorrow, yay!  I can't remember if I mentioned it on here yet or not, but I joined a gym in town for a three month trial membership.  Whereas the gym I was at last year was a start-up - not much equipment, not very organized, crowded - this is a bigger, and all around nicer place.  For the first 12 visits, someone on staff works with us (my mom joined with me.)  Tomorrow will be my 4th visit, and I'm moving up in reps (from 1 to 2) and back on the elliptical.  YAY! 

I've missed this - working out.  It's my time to just push myself, but also shut off any worries/etc.  I get to breathe (and sometimes gasp), and de-stress.  Home-wise, we're eating healthier, and I'm back off sodas.  I saw myself starting to drink way too many.  I didn't like that, so that's over.  I'll have one every once in awhile, but not like I was.  I'm not doing anything too special - just watching what I eat, increasing the water I drink, limiting carbs, and working on being more physically active.  I miss Medifast, but I can't afford it. 

My head is full of thoughts tonight, so I'm going to go do some reading.  I'm caught in between like sixteen decisions to make about school - wanting to go back, not sure which avenue to pursue.  So I'm settling in to my evening routine - reading, then Doctor Who S1 and hot tea, later! 
yourgravity: ([the hunger games] gale/katniss; we coul)
I made THIS last night, in reference to goals, both short, and long-term.  I'm finding it pretty inspiring so far.  Let's see how I do!

Happy 2013, y'all!
yourgravity: ([the hunger games] gale/katniss; we coul)
Originally posted on Facebook.  I was going to do a survey type thing/meme, but then I realized...this sums up my year.  :)

I remember the last time I wrote one of these notes, and the place I was in.  This year I've been in a state that was a hundred times worse,and then I dropped all that negativity, and brought back my positive attitude, my hope, and just generally being confident in myself.  Iwanted to share a few things I learned in 2012, and talk about where I'm at, for 2012.

I learned that it's okay to cry, but as I promised myself in 2011...I only cried when I needed to.  Things that would have broken me before didn't hit me so hard this year.  I saved my tears for when they really mattered.

I learned that it's okay to be sad, to give yourself permission to "not be okay" in the hopes that if one day is bad, the next day will be better.

I learned that things change, sometimes slowly, sometimes in the blink of an eye, or the beat of a heart, and that you have to change
with them

I learned that it's okay to be brave, and that sometimes couragepushes fear out of the way and whispers, "I'm going to do this," - whether it's new responsibilities at work, admitting to a life-changing mistake, saying the words that will forever change the way people lookat you, or taking the first step to open your heart to someone

I learned that it's okay to miss people - friendships, lost loves ones.  And I learned that sometimes those people come back - and
sometimes they don't.  I learned that it's okay to wish that things could be like they once were - but that you don't always get what you
wish and that more often than not, you have to be ready to greet the next chapter of your life - new friends, a new job, etc - with eyes wide open.

I learned that if someone is supposed to be in your life, they will be.  And I learned that of all the things I can and should do, chasing after someone to keep them in my life doesn't work.  Friends move on.

People let go.  And if you're lucky, someone new will be there to take your hand. For the friendships that waned (Julie), others were there to fill in those spaces (Dawn, Holly)

I learned that my heart is stronger for the cracks.

I learned that the more often you smile, the lighter you feel.  I learned that laughter really IS healing

I learned to forgive.

I learned that the best friends are the ones who - despite how often or how little you talk - when you DO see them, it's just like it'salways been

I learned that love is sometimes waiting, just when and where you least expected it.  To [livejournal.com profile] twirly: here's to OUR 2013.  May we laugh, love, grow closer, and just generally treat one another with amazing kindness and patience as our love grows. 

I learned that with the help of amazing friends, I can "be better."  [livejournal.com profile] _touched taught me that.

Here's to an amazing 2013 full of laughter and love, and being the best "me," I can possibly be.

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