show me how big your brave is.

This time last year I was a little ways into what would become another attempt in a long line of failed diets.  This time, I'd  chosen Take Shape For Life/Medifast, and initially I was really excited to be on the plan.  A friend of mine had amazing results on the plan, and I read all the testimonials on it.

It was so exciting when I chose my first month's food, and the huge box filled with all my little boxes of food arrived.  I was excited the first day as I packed my meals into my lunch bag for work.  And when I weighed for the first time a week and a half later and had lost almost 12 pounds, I was still excited.

About three months into the plan though, I was SO unhappy.  I couldn't have fruit.  I was severely limited in what vegetables I could have.  I couldn't have milk or cheese or any of the dairy I was used to - even in moderation.  When I went out to dinner with friends, I had to sift through my salad for things I COULD eat, and discard the things I couldn't.  I couldn't drink juice, or regular soda EVER.  I couldn't have a splurge day, EVER.

I had no energy to work out AT ALL.  I didn't feel full EVER, or satisfied by what I was eating.  I couldn't stop craving "bad" foods.

I was miserable.

One day about two and a half-three months on the plan, I was managing a concession stand for the local youth football league and I barely had a chance to eat ALL day.  That night I was so hungry that I gave in and ordered pizza.  And it was AMAZING.  And the next day, and the day after that?  I was so so so sick.  Sicker than I'd ever been in my life.

But it also showed me how unhappy I was.  The plan was so restrictive.  Instead of filling my body with natural things, I was eating prepackaged, tasteless meals.  I wasn't getting any GOOD carbs, natural fiber, etc.  And I wasn't getting healthier, or stronger.  I was getting skinnier (used as a broad term, I was still overweight, even having lost almost 30 pounds.)  I couldn't run or lift weights, and I was ALWAYS starving.

About a month later, I went off the plan.  The holidays happened, and I ate.  New Year's and Valentine's Day, then a vacation happened, and I ate.  I gained most of those 30 pounds back.  Then slowly I started going to the gym again, and thinking about the way I was eating - all of which led me to my recent huge change in my lifestyle and my foods.

Last year was an incredibly weird and challenging year - some good things happened, and some of the worst things I've ever endured happened.  I won't lie and say I didn't eat for comfort, but what I learned was that commercial weight loss plans aren't for me.  I won't be trying Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, etc.

I'm happy with where I'm at - eating good foods that benefit me, like fruits, vegetables, and lean meats.  Making up my own recipes as I go along.  I'm losing slowly, and that's absolutely okay, because this time?  I'm happy.  I had to go through all that to get HERE.  And "here" is a very good place. 

Healthy eating-ish update!  Hopefully y'all will start seeing a lot more of these.

I made a mini-grocery run the other day to stock up on a few essentials: some more fresh fruit, fresh mushrooms, and olive oil.  I can't stand cooking in anything other than olive oil anymore.  I've been trying hard to stay away from butter, although we had skillet corn the other night that I know my mother cooked in butter.  That's the hardest thing - living in a house with three other people, all who have or have had their own weight issues.  The South loves to deep fry things, or just generally indulge in good ol' comfort food, and the problem is, I love some of that stuff, too.  But it doesn't love me back.

Just since I started eating healthier, I FEEL so much better.  My stomach isn't upset like it was when I was eating junk, I'm tired at a decent hour again, and for the most part, waking up much earlier than I was before.  It's weird in a nice way to be ready for bed at 10:30 or 11 instead of 1am, and waking up at 7:30 or 8 is nice.  I'm working on training myself to get up earlier than that, and hopefully I will be soon.

I had two cups of coffee this morning but that was all I wanted.  I have had my coffee with sugar in it once or twice in the last week and a half, but mostly I'm putting honey in it.  I may start trying it black slowly so I'm not dealing with sweetener at all, since I know even honey isn't perfect.  I got rid of my Splenda, and I WANTED to try Agave, but didn't want to spend the money on it and not be sure if I'd like it.

I had sweet tea the other night at dinner and it was okay - too sweet, really.  I keep meaning to make some for the family, then I don't.  I haven't had soda in a week and truthfully, I haven't missed it AT ALL, which is amazing for me.  I don't think I'll have any problem just making it an every once in awhile treat.  So basically my ONLY caffeine recently has been my morning coffee, but it's good knowing that I'm not depending too much on caffeine.

That's it for today, I think.  I've been helping can and bag/freeze veggies all day; now we're making pickles, then I HOPE I have time to go for a swim. 

This time last week, I was running around frantically, getting ready for my trip to California.  Now after a long flight in the early hours of the morning, I'm home, but the strange/wonderful thing is, I feel like "home" is now in California.

Home is holding her hand tightly.

Home is a sweet longing that led to tentative snuggles and glances, shy, cute moments, and the most perfect first kiss.

Home is our playlist on in the background and long talks about us - sharing stories and memories, and making new ones.

Home is falling so slowly, minute-by-minute, then all at once.

Home is meeting her friends and feeling comfortable with them right away.

Home is late nights spent with one another in the sweetest way.

Home is waiting for me and I can't wait to go back. 

I had an amazing trip.  I was only nervous about getting to my connecting flight on time, since my flight out of Nashville was delayed.  But it was all worth it - the crappy airplane food, security, being nervous, walking down that escalator and into Kay's arms.  I am so so happy I went, and that we got to spend so much precious time together.  I can't stop thinking about how adorable she is (even though she'll read this and make that cute expression like "what?" but it's true, you are.)

Things were really shy at first, and I think we were both trying to see where we stood.  After so long of hoping, meeting in person was really amazing.  For the first time we could TALK in person.  Look into each other's eyes.  I could see where she lived, and meet her family and her friends.  I got to explore California with her (we went to the coast, to an aquarium, and to a jelly belly factory, along with dinner with friends, shopping, and such.)  I got to see somewhere new and wide open, and full of possibility.

By the third day together, we were so much more comfortable, and affectionate, and I love that.  We aren't that couple you see making out in public, but just little glances, snuggling, or hand-holding, or I'd put a hand on her back.  It all just.... SIGH.  It all fell so sweetly and perfectly into place.  The sparks I'd hoped for were there in full force, but it's so much more than that.  (I am very very glad they ARE there though!  It wasn't forced - just something we felt, and it happened very organically and beautifully.)

It's laying in bed talking about the future, and sharing parts of ourselves from our past and present. It's feeling so comfortable around her.  It's being "good nervous."  It's seeing the smiles on our friend's faces when they see how happy we are.  It's being told I look "radiant" by friends who can see what love looks like on me.  It's hope for a future that I know we both want.  It's knowing this is more right than it ever was with anyone else.

This is our beginning, and it was perfect.

I love you, twirly

I made THIS last night, in reference to goals, both short, and long-term.  I'm finding it pretty inspiring so far.  Let's see how I do!

Happy 2013, y'all!